Fear and stuff….

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face…we must do that which we think we cannot – Eleanor Roosevelt

So I have kind of worked out that this blogging lark is a bit self-indulgent but this is for me and I am trying not to feel guilty about that, after all this is MY PhD!

I think this quote encapsulates another reason I am on this PhD journey now. At work I was in a happy, comfortable place, where I felt competent (most of the time- I am a speech pathologist and suffer from Impostor syndrome quite severely) so stepping outside of my comfort zone was and is a challenge. There’s a tension for me between the drive and need to study to move on to something new and to stay where I am. A bit like giving up my comfy ugg boots for something perhaps better in the long run but certainly not as comfortable to start with!

This is absolutely a luxury and a privilege to be able to do this. I am lucky to have been awarded a scholarship, I can work for 8 hours a week (in a job that I love) and I have a funded research training place- how lucky and fortunate can a woman be?

So why then do I question if I can do this, I am intelligent enough? Last year I set up a session for my students with a counsellor from the Uni counselling service about managing stress whilst on placement. I looked back at his presentation this evening and found the quote above. It captures quite nicely and succinctly how I feel at the moment. I need to remember that I cannot do everything at once, to take one day at a time, to make time for my friends and family, to be outside, to feel the sun and rain on my face, feel the sand between my toes and go to the beach much more than I do now. Last night I went for a run, I hadn’t done that for quite some time- it felt good. Most of all I need to remind myself to go easy on myself. I will look fear in the face and try not to worry about what other people are thinking about me, and I will use that brain space for my PhD!