Time stands still for no one…

I started this last night and finished it off as a reward for some work! I bargain easily with myself!

So tonight I’ve indulged in quite a lot of procrastination activities, which have included but were not limited to washing, Facebook, re-reading my blog posts AND realising that I have not written anything for over a year. Where has that year gone to? When I think about it I can’t really tell you, but it’s gone. Quickly.

My daughter is now at school, we’re almost half way through the year, I want to slow time down so I can appreciate this time more readily, in the present, without thinking about what activities are happening next week, next term or in term 4. I paid for their swimming lessons for term 4 the other day, always thinking ahead. I just want to slow down. My son is in grade 2, he loves his teacher, he feels like he won the lottery with her, which is great, I do too, for both my kids. I know how important good role models are, people you can trust, believe in, who believe in you. I have that with my supervisors but I’m always wondering when that moment will occur that they’ll ‘find me out’- ‘how did she ever get to be doing a PhD?’.

But I guess I AM doing a PhD, I am 2 years into it now, more time down than there is to go, all being well! Can it really be achievable? Can I really submit something resembling a doctoral thesis at the end of this? I am trying to write a journal article at the moment and I know I am self-sabotaging, I’m really good at that. I find ‘other’ things that I have to be doing for my studies, transcription, interviews, reflections, ethics variations, plus things that are not related like washing, washing, more washing and perhaps a little knitting and woodworking! All valid but all good excuses NOT to be writing this article, because deep down I question whether I can really do it.

I know I have wonderful, caring, loving people around me who will help me get there. People who have travelled this road and others who are still travelling the road. Friends and colleagues who know me, love me and will will me over the line when the chips are down. A friend is near that end point at the moment and she has created a ‘cheer squad’ wall in her office, she will get there, she is amazing, bright, articulate and focused. People have sent in photos, pictures, poems, quotes and a host of all other sorts of things which will bring her motivation when she needs it most in her darkest hours near the end of her PhD journey. I feel amazingly grateful to know people like this and to be a part of this community of people who are also travelling their own PhD journeys. I think half of this process is walking this path with others, holding their hands, listening to their stories, sharing tissues whilst you cry with each other (not the same one!) and learning something about yourself in the process.

What have I learned so far? That I want to provide a place and a voice for students who are the most vulnerable (the strugglers) in my PhD, that I feel vulnerable and scared much of the time, that sometimes I just have to acknowledge the feelings I have, notice them and watch them pass without acting impulsively. That I have something to add to society and the people around me. That one of the very few things I truly want for my children is for them to feel comfortable in their own skin, that they find people in their lives who are genuine, loving and caring who will watch out for them as they watch out for others.  That I can ask for help and my world will not fall apart, that others will give me that help freely. That each day I learn something new about someone or something. That each one of us has our own stuff we are dealing with, we never really know what is going on under the surface with another person. I know that if I listened to the part of me that is scared and vulnerable for much of time I would not really do anything, so sometimes I just need to do it anyway, because time stands still for no one…

Fear and stuff….

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face…we must do that which we think we cannot – Eleanor Roosevelt

So I have kind of worked out that this blogging lark is a bit self-indulgent but this is for me and I am trying not to feel guilty about that, after all this is MY PhD!

I think this quote encapsulates another reason I am on this PhD journey now. At work I was in a happy, comfortable place, where I felt competent (most of the time- I am a speech pathologist and suffer from Impostor syndrome quite severely) so stepping outside of my comfort zone was and is a challenge. There’s a tension for me between the drive and need to study to move on to something new and to stay where I am. A bit like giving up my comfy ugg boots for something perhaps better in the long run but certainly not as comfortable to start with!

This is absolutely a luxury and a privilege to be able to do this. I am lucky to have been awarded a scholarship, I can work for 8 hours a week (in a job that I love) and I have a funded research training place- how lucky and fortunate can a woman be?

So why then do I question if I can do this, I am intelligent enough? Last year I set up a session for my students with a counsellor from the Uni counselling service about managing stress whilst on placement. I looked back at his presentation this evening and found the quote above. It captures quite nicely and succinctly how I feel at the moment. I need to remember that I cannot do everything at once, to take one day at a time, to make time for my friends and family, to be outside, to feel the sun and rain on my face, feel the sand between my toes and go to the beach much more than I do now. Last night I went for a run, I hadn’t done that for quite some time- it felt good. Most of all I need to remind myself to go easy on myself. I will look fear in the face and try not to worry about what other people are thinking about me, and I will use that brain space for my PhD!